Ummm…. What am I struggling with… the most!
I am struggling with having peace of mind. It’s got to do with not having the right set of people around, not communicating with the right set of people, with not making the right choices.
It also has to do with not being disciplined. Not having a schedule for self. Living life as it comes, much to my dismay and dislike. But then laziness is a genetic defect and I seem to have a major in that defect and so this perpetual state of frustration at knowing the problem AND the solution but the lack of intent to implement the solution and stick to it. The lack of determination. Lack of conviction in my decisions. The ambivalence created by what the mind thinks and what the heart wants. And the fact that the decision that is made is out of giving into temptation rather than reason.
You know you want to be fit, and a bar of Snickers won’t do good. Your heart wants it, your mind refuses. Then you start to listen to that satan who’s standing on your shoulders whispering into your ears to just go and look for other less expensive choices in the vending machine. You relent (This is the first bad part). You walk to the vending machine. The right side still says “NO!!!” You look at the bar and then the satan smiles, you smile, you’re now possessed by the lack of conviction to stick to your rules and you say “Just this once!” (This is the 2nd and worst part) and you press that button after slotting in the two quarters and Bam! you’re frustrated already.
You repeat the same thing the next day.. and after a week you sit and scoff and brood.. No use!
Your peace of mind is taken away. Peace is not in enjoying, peace is in achievement. Peace is in a sense of accomplishment, in a sense of having fought and won, in a sense of having stood by yourself and by your decision through and through and not being carried away by what looks like a immediate happiness.
I am struggling with finding peace. But I know i’ll get there.