No hold on…!!! I know its a shock difficult to handle but I’m sitting in the loo and am thinking of Tom Alter, (He came from the fact that I’m planning to go for a play of his tonight), and I was wondering why he wasn’t picked up to play the angrez in Lagaan. I then thought, if Amir was confronted with that question his obvious reply would’ve been “Tom is an Indian”. Post which I was reminded of the scene where Amir is holding the bat up and assessing the field setting for him, for the last ball of the match in the movie. Just then I thought what it would have looked like had SRK been in place of Amir and Karan Johar directing the movie.
So here’s how the scenes unfolded. First of all, the very reason the whole movie took place; lack of rains, on a farmland in Rajasthan, would’ve been resolved by our beloved SRK by starting with the ending scene of Kal Ho Na Ho. Just a bit of glycerin for Mr. SRK and the rest of the village should’ve shed enough tears to have the village flooded. The movie would’ve ended and “They would’ve lived happily ever after.
Let us for the next few minutes assume Rajesh Khanna, and Big B had never made the movie Anand (or whoever the producer was at that time), because then, KHNH wouldn’t have been made, and hence our movie, Lagaan, here would last longer than 30 min (considering SRK would’ve sung more songs than just Ghanan ghanan, and he’d have to go to Switzerland and all sorts of places within the song sequence, even though the movie is set in pre-independence Rajasthan). So here’s how the movie would’ve proceeded. The deer killing scene would’ve had SRK seething because he then would’ve thought it was Salman Khan and not the angrez hunting for the deer. But eventually he discovers that it is the angrez and would go to the deer and say “Don’t die Hiran, Don’t die!!!”.
Further Gracy Sing would’ve never got a role to play in the movie because she doesn’t have the glamour factor that most of Karan’s heroines have. And so we’d have had Deepika or the girl from the other movie , Rab ne bana di jodi playing it. And ya you guessed it right, we’d have that title song playing instead of the Krishna and Radha song Mr.Rehman so beautifully composed and Udit saab so nicely sung.
We’d then have an emotional confrontation between the angrez and Bhuvan (SRK here, I’m doubtful though if SRK would’ve liked a change in name from Rahul to something primitive as Bhuvan). And once the deal was struck he’d try to woo the villagers by first wooing their fairer sexes first in the style akin to ones used in Kal Ho Na Ho to woo our very own Jaya Bachchan by cooking in her kitchen and so beautifully turning around her store from “Where’s that???” to “Oh THAT???”. I wonder if it were just that easy why would people want to do MBAs in sales, finance and marketing and why in the first place would anyone want to do a course in Hotel Management or cookery. Anyway “SRK ke liye sab maaf hai… “:)
So here in this setting Bhuvan would end up cooking amazing dishes in the chulhas in the huts with the ladies in the village and sing songs with their daughters (which of course Amir also does, see I’m not completely cynical about King Khan, there are after all some things that he does, that are normal). And then he’d also try to resolve the feuds in the families which the families will happily open up to him and listen to him, which is very Indian and practical don’t you think??? Ladies will cry to him of their father’s deaths instead of doing the same to their husbands, and talk bout their daughters to him instead of their fathers. See all that is so damn natural in the Indian society that is precisely why Karan Johar promotes it with all passion to the rest of the world, and says we’re promoting India to the world.
Well, moving on, eventually all the villagers will agree, coz of course no one disagrees to SRK right… They start playing the game and soon they’ve a team and the strategization for how to win the game starts. Oh and I forgot how the White lady (yeah I’m a racist but just the other way round here, so the Africans will not be called Blacks, nor the Asians, Brown but sure the rest of the ‘colored’ people will be called Whites 🙂 ) starts to help our protagonist to understand the rules of the game. And while in the real movie as Amir shows it, the lady falls in love with Bhuvan and with no effort of his to rue her, here with SRK it’s just not possible that someone falls in love with him right away without a proper struggle (want to rewind all the movies??? Dil to pagal hai -Madhuri, DDLJ – Kajol, KKHH- Rani, KHNH- Preity. Yeah to basically while all the ladies in the world love him, the female protagonist has to be the only one who’s short of love for him, and he wants that too… Lust for Love you see… Too cheesy??? I don’t mind it, suits the cynical undertone, overtone and surface-tone of this write up fully.) So SRK tries with all his smiley might and that emotional face he has in every movie for at least half hour of the movie if cumulated together. He’d dance with her and make love to her and make her realize how her man is not the one deserving of her, that she’s worth more than what she’s getting and stuff. And in the process learn and direct his team. But eventually the White guy discovers the truth and has the girl shut behind the doors.
There are some tears here before we move on to the final. I now think Karan Johar starts the script of the movie with first assessing the amount of tears the audience will shed when the movie ends, (probably by seeing if he cries after reading the script) and then signs up to direct the movie. I now have the secret of Karan’s success. 🙂
The final match:
Well here it comes. I believe having seen Farah taking a leaf out of Matrix for the action scenes in a dumb movie like Main Hoon Na, Karan would be thinking if it were apt to extend the level of gravity defying stunts into thermodynamics-defying stunts. So here’s how the whole thing unfolds. We first will have a team meeting where in SRK will address the team like he does in Chak de India, and then the game will start, while he knows that the guy who drops a catch in the original Lagaan, did it purposefully, SRK will spread his arms and accept the man in his team still and never reject him. So unlike Amir who confronts the guy and makes him realise his folly, our SRK with his jaadu ki jhappi will emotionally pulverize this guy and convince him to be loyal to the team and also probably offer him a chance at the chori, as a sacrifice to obtain his loyalty. (Sacrifice has been a part of SRK’s movies all the time. Thatsy Indians when promoted in such a way are loved all over the world. We go and say “Dude why do you want to whip his ass?? I’m ready to get mine whipped, just give me more money, that’ll make up for the welts.” ) And so the turncoat is never out of the team and suddenly turns loyal to Bhuvan and pockets the next catch brilliantly. Our side finishes bowling and enters the crease for batting.
Bhuvan opens as usual and keeps playing till the end while all the rest keep falling on the other end of the wicket. And finally we’re down to the last ball of the match. Bhuvan is petrified and shitting in his pants yet since he’s SRK all he can do is stare at the camera with over-moist eyes-just-short-of-leaking and hold that expression till Karan thinks a few ladies in the hall will begin to pull out their handkerchiefs and be ready for any eventuality knowing that “SRK Never Loses”.
The last bowl is bowled and by this time SRK is so emotionally overwhelmed by the importance of the delivery and has eventually spread the emotional virus so much through the field that even the ball stops for a second or two to take a look at those over-moist eyes-just-short-of-leaking eyes and (this is where the Matrix effect is brought into play) the ball decides to just walk up slowly to the bat and touch it and fly off to the boundary. But then since thermodynamics is not completely over taken and Newton is not ready to give up on the fact that less reaction cannot cause over-reaction, the boundary decides to move in to hold up the tears from falling from SRK’s eyes, and the ball eventually falls outside the boundary declaring it a win!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the children then flock into the ground along with the ladies and lift SRK who’s beaming with pride and finally lets those eyes leak, while the gents stare at the spectacle. By this time the gents in the movie halls are pulling out their handkerchiefs to help their better halves with the leaky eyes and avoid a Ghanan Ghanan in the movie hall.
And I decide that my time in the loo is up and I need to get my ass moving and rest it on the chair instead of the shit-pot. Hell thanks anyway SRK for the entertainment. We all love you, at least all my female-friends do, that’s what you want right!!!