Hello World

Do you sometimes wake up in the morning walk out to your porch / balcony and look straight and ask.. “How are you world?” :”D
I do it now and then.. It’s important man.. World needs love, someone who cares, someone who cares if it burned the house down or if all is well.. I am one of them.
But then it also makes you feel like this


The Faux Pranab

Okay so I put out the idea of a Benglish podcast a couple of weeks back and I received an overwhelming response from all your guys. My mailbox is full! (forced applause).. I’m overwhelmed (teary eyed) (“Yeah *was overwhelming* and *I’m overwhelmed* are the same thing dumbass!! Real estate!! Real estate!!” says the pirate sitting on my left shoulder who is responsible for running a spell-check on my writing style)

Too much output to process” says my coding pirate.
You don’t need double quotes for everything – spell-check pirate

Enough! Back to me…. Read the below post. This man inspires me every day every hour.. of my benglish life.



The headline sums it up. I’m certainly happy he’s alive, but I’m worried his phones and emails are being monitored since this date by Mossad.
And now so are mine. I took their name on a public post.
Aaaaanyway.. They’ll stop the trail once they realize I went from Bihar to Buffalo and then to Kansas. My bovine life! Yes the pun is intended! Ain’t no puns goin’ waste here mate.

So what are most concerned about this week? Let’s be honest. It is the new species of frog that was discovered in the Western Ghats in India. Half of you don’t even know what the fuck that means but for the other half this is most earth shattering discovery of all times. Like the dude was in our backyard all these years man.. and we didn’t even know about it. Imagine the snail that was on that drumstick tree in your backyard through the hellish summers where even your bladder would scream “Lemme retain some liquid here will you!!! You bloody heat of a nut job!” (Btw Blogo just auto-corrected *nutjob* to *nut job*.. Awww! (insert heart smiley till I figure this shit))
Comeing out of that shell.. And then the snail also survived the clattering thunders and blinding lightenings and torrential downpour of rains and then.. Winter is coming happened.. It survived that too.. The drumstick tree shed it’s leaves so It decided to walk to the Guava tree next to it coz it was beginning to look nice and green. But darn it! It was back to summer when it reached. Whatte life of streggle!

Coming back out of this shell too… Imagine that little thing was there all your life and you bloody didn’t know anything about it. It was continuously shuttling between drumstick and guava.. one long and dry other round and juicy. That was it’s life.. every time saying tree is greener on the other side and never getting there..

Shit! Wrecking ball of a thought.. OMG… This is my life… Bovine… Snail like… Grass, tree, fruits everything always greener and more ripe on the other side.. Okay sometimes Red-er since i’m color blind.. But seriously!!! Holy fuck this is..

Coming out of that shell..
Pranab Da inspires me… because he’s like the old snail.. walks slowly, talks slowly, cares not a goats goatie worth of shit about what famous people like me or infamous people like the rest of you say.. smiles always, clean shaven, suited up like that-guy-from-how-i-met-your-mother.
That’s why when he slowly read Hummus his mind broke the word down Hum – hindi wala we? Ham?
mus – mass christian wala mass.

Ham mass.. We love Hamas…..

Next morning… ohho! So what man.. so big deal they are making.. ayee Rotu da.. cophee ta niyesho!


Small bucket list

This is the smaller bucket list that grows every few days.
This isn’t about “Ooohhh Backpack through Europe” and shit like that. This is smaller things in life.

  • Bake an original cake – original recipe
  • Learn a  good card trick
  • Learn juggling
  • Get an article published in the news paper
  • Upload a YouTube video

The Benglish Podcast

I have this strange idea.
Sitting alone having a glass of rum in the sweltering heat of Delhi, you wouldn’t expect a rational idea would you?
I remember me and a very dear friend of mine once had a conversation while on a weekend trip from Delhi.
We were all in a car and talking random shit, when slowly the Bengali accent kicked into our otherwise normal English conversation. Soon we both were going Mamata Bannerjee and Pranab Mukherjee at each other.

I often reminisce about those times when I used to be so fluent with these absolute random, unrelated conversations and segways. I digress (ironically speaking), I was thinking if it would be a good idea to start recording funny bits of news in Benglish as me and my friend ended up calling it. English with a heavy Bengali accent.

I think I’m going to drink up on it and come back.
This would be a good place to kick it off since only a handful of people will listen in to begin with. Not that I’m Justin Beiber, if you know what I mean, but still.

To the moon and back!

By Toutatis!

Bye the Bye

Chaos by choice

I visited a very dear friend of mine once in the US. He was living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment back then. I stepped out of the airport and waited for him to drive up to me to hop onto his car and drive off. He came, I waved, stopped, opened his car’s back seat door and “pat! pat! pat!” fell 3 packs of cigarettes!
It was around 10pm and so the light while enough to move around wasn’t good enough to look into the car, but I could see enough white packets of cigarette covering the back seat floor. He laughed and said “Don’t bother! Just drop the suitcase”.
So I did and we left the airport towards the apartment. That’s when he mentioned “Hey! My house has entropy!”.
I looked right at him, puzzled. “What?”
“Entropy? Chemistry? Thermodynamics?”
“Ya I understand that, but what does that have to do with your house?”
“My house has entropy just like my car”
“Ohhhh! Ya don’t worry I was in the hostel for 4 years with all kinds of guys”
“No you don’t understand Akshay, the level of Entropy here is different”
He was right. We got to his place and he opened the door. I kid you not, the arc that the door makes when opening was the only part that was clean! If he had sliding doors I’m pretty sure I’d have stepped onto his towel and then a pizza box and then I don’t know what else. I thought I had seen enough dirty and chaotic guys, but this guy was a level unto his own.

I could handle that chaos because I had the freedom of picking the empty pizza box and drop it into the bin and do the same with the beer bottles, coke bottles and cigarette butts. But imagine if someone invited you to their house which had a high level of entropy and added that you cannot reduce the entropy while you stay there. Sure you’d agree since it’s their house, their rules. But how comfortable would you be? Would you not suggest them to clean it up? Would you not offer to clean it up? And then if they refuse all of your offers and stand their ground, what then?

Welcome to my company! 🙂

What do you tell a guy who has worked in the tech industry for 20 years and chooses to a Notepad to keep track of bugs and issues in the app? Wait.. not Windows Notepad! A notepad…. paper… pen?
For those of you who are a little technical, you’d know that there is an extremely famous tool called Bugzilla. It’s free, it’s open source and it’s used by massive companies like Mozilla, Open Office etc.
“Too much process…”
“Huh? What process? We haven’t established any process yet. So what’s it that you can see in the process that I can’t? We’re at 0, and we’re worried we’ll have 100?”
“See Akshay we don’t want to get entangled into the process of these things right now that’s why we don’t want to go for any of these tools”
“Structure is different from process!”
“No what I mean is we don’t want to get entangled into the process of these things right now that’s why we don’t want to go for any of these tools”
“You just repeated yourself”
“Look, that’s not our focus right now, we have a lot of features to work on”

A week later I send an email
“Hey I think we should use Google Sheets to log the issues”
No response

3 Weeks go by where we have multiple issues popping up and then confusion kicks in.
The so-called tech guy : “Hey Akshay I think you should fix this issue #234 on priority. It’s been pending for a while now”
“No! I have already fixed it. I fixed it 4 days ago and I mentioned it on our status call”
“Did you?”
“Yes I did!”
“I don’t think you did”
“Yes I did!”
“Okay, I’ll update my sheet here”

Next week
The so-called tech guy : “Hey Akshay I think you should fix this issue #234 on priority. It’s been pending for a while now”
“I thought we discussed this last week. I fixed it a couple of weeks ago!”
“Did you?”
“Yes I did!”
“I don’t think you did”
“Yes I did!”
“Okay, I’ll update my sheet here”

I put a follow-up email in the same chain that I had sent the first one suggesting the use of Google Sheets:
“Hey XYZ, I created a Google Sheet and I don’t see it being updated. Are you guys able to access it?”

No Response…

It took another week and a nasty email + a phone call conversation lasting 20 min to get this guy to use Google Sheets. Something so elimentary I would’ve convinced my 7 yr old nephew to start using it in 7 minutes!

What do you do with people who are chaotic by choice? What do you see that they don’t?
I feel they don’t see the bigger picture. Even if you try showing them the bigger picture they are so convinced that it’s flawed that they refuse to listen to you.
The more you try the farther you are taking them from reason. That’s the most troubling part of it.
The more I argued with this guy, more he disliked me and dismissed my views. Over time it became so bad that we had a 30 min conversation on how to delete a record from the database and it ended in he throwing his weight around and declaring that I had to follow his way of doing it even though it provided poor performance.

What do you do to convince these people to understand your viewpoint and how small things like this will come back to bite you in the ass tomorrow.

I wish to take back something positive from this experience than learning how to shut up and follow orders from a person I disagree with and differ in ideology.

Hope to drink up!

Bye the Bye